I rarely vent here on my blog. I feel it should be a happy place that others can come to, which is a good thing, right? It is, but lately I've been feeling the need to let some things out, to "let her rip" as they say. I see others letting loose on their blogs and honestly it feels good to see that I'm not the only one who faces difficulties, struggles, etc. in my life. Not that I'm happy about their struggles, I'm not, I just like to see that others who always seem to have their act together are human as well and have days that they wished they could hit the delete button on. So that's my little disclaimer - you've been warned! If you don't want to read a vent then please, by all means don't read further! It may get a bit chunky, but I promise I won't use any expletives or say anything that could get me arrested!!
So today I opened up my face book page and I see this quote a friend had posted: "In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down." - Brian Weir. This quote was like music to my ears - I really needed to read this today! For years I've been working on kicking the habit of playing the victim. I know quite well that I am responsible for my actions and that others are responsible for theirs, ya da ya da ya da. But, there are times when all of that training and work I've done to reprogram myself goes out the window and I feel like I'm on the ground becoming road kill yet again for the bullies in my life. The bullies - we all have them around. The people in our lives who don't respect us, who seem to try to push the buttons that make us go off, who cause us hurt and pain - and the hardest thing about it all is that they do NOT seem to care about how we feel!! They refuse to take responsibility for their actions and they lay the blame on us. It hurts, it's unfair, it's unjust.
Such a situation happened this week. A similar scenario has happened before with this person but on a much grander scale. For some reason this time I felt really sad when they decided to "go there" yet again. I was surprised I wasn't angry this time. I think all the anger has been beaten out of me honestly. I would have thought that they would have learned a lesson after the first round, that they would have become more respectful, that they would have learned from the past...oops, here I go again with the "they" thing. See, it's really not about them, it's about me. I tried to learn from the past. I agonized for days, weeks, months about what I could have done differently. How did we ever get to this place? What happened? But none of that matters either. I can't go back, I can't change the past. I can only deal with what I have in front of me and make the best of it. There is so much more I could say, the story is long, much too long for any blog post.
So here I am today mulling over the phrase and I ask myself, "Am I laying down...oh my Gosh - I am!!! Why am I laying down?" It's easier to lay down honestly. Getting up requires energy, strength and fortitude. In this situation it takes all of my energy to hoist myself back up from a horizontal position and pull myself up by my boot straps. Dang it's hard! But luckily I don't have to do it alone. God is there to help. But why isn't He making it easier? Why isn't He telling people to help me out here? Wouldn't that make more sense? It's part of the process, it's my journey and my road. I knew it wouldn't be easy, He told me that. He said He would be with me though, not make it all go away. But I want it to all go away!!! Perhaps He is trying to help it all go away but I'm not listening. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and they don't care - the bullies that is. They...there I go again.
I follow a radical faith, a faith that makes no sense at times. A faith that calls people to give up their under wear if their clothes are stolen. (Seriously, it's in the Bible.) A faith that calls people to let someone hit them again; to make that second punch easy. This second round was different. I went out of my way to die to myself, to be a nice person even though I knew they wouldn't return the favor. I think that's why it hurts so bad...I really tried, why didn't they? There is a fine line between laying down and turning the other cheek. There really is. Laying down means giving up, giving in. Turning the other cheek is strategic. I'm still learning the fine line between the two. I thought I had it down, but I'm realizing I'm still a novice.
It's not about the fight and it's not about what they do. It's about me, period. All these emotions of anger, fear, doubt and anxiety that rear their ugly heads are here for a reason. They haven't died yet obviously; they're alive and well. People talk about karma coming back to people; call it what you will - justice has a way of winning in the end. Even when all the world seems blind to it the scales will tip eventually - it's just a matter of time. In the meantime I'm scraping myself off of the road and refusing to end up in a burger at the road kill cafe.
Showing posts with label grief and loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief and loss. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Today is the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. This day was created on September 28, 2006 by a resolution that passed through the House of Representatives. Here is a link to the official site for the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss: http://www.october15th.com/
For those of you who don't know, I lost three babies through miscarriages. It's still difficult to talk or write about it, and the pain of the loss never completely subsides, but the sting is slowly fading away with time. These were three precious children I lost, three souls, three babies who never had a chance to live their lives here on earth. What hurts the most is that I won't get to even meet them until I pass from this life onto the next. My comfort is that they are in a far better, safer place right now and that someday I will meet them. They never had to feel the pain this life can bring, but they never got to experience the gift of humanity either in the sweet sorrow of their existence.
I still don't understand why God allowed them to live such short lives, but I do know that He has used the pain I have gone through with my losses to help comfort others who have had the same loss. He has brought good from the pain I suffered. Now I can bring comfort, healing and understanding to those who grieve, and for this I am thankful.
Thank you God for my three precious children who you hold tenderly in your arms. They are safe, warm and loved with a love beyond what I could comprehend; They know a far better love than any human could ever give. Thank you for their lives, although short on this earth but eternally yours. Although I miss them dearly, each day I live is one day closer to the day when I will see them, hold them, laugh with them and rejoice. This gives me more hope, more faith, and more trust in the One who created them and who holds them in the palm of His hand. Someday I will fully understand this mystery of life and death, but until then I will trust that the plans You had for them are for good, not evil. Thank You for the comfort You bring to the pain of loss so great it is hard to comprehend at times. It comes in enormous waves, but Your love is so much stronger. I feel I have come to know You better through this pain. Thank you for the comfort You bring to my heart and the hope you give that lights the way.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I hosted a candle light vigil at Common Ground Community Center. We had a sharing time and candle lighting. Here are a few pictures of the candles we lit for each of our precious angels.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I'm Published!
I recently submitted an article to a local moms' publication called Hum Mums, and guess what? It got accepted! I've never been "published" before, so it feels pretty good. Here is the article:
Multiple Miscarriages: One Mother’s Journey
By: April Alexander
My Story
When I reached my early thirties my biological clock began screaming at me, and I found myself longing to have another baby. I figured it might take a little longer to conceive due to my age, but little did I know that I was about to start a journey I never could have imagined.
After months of trying to conceive, my pregnancy test finally revealed two lines. I called my husband immediately, and both of us reveled in the joy of becoming parents again. A few days later my elation turned to sadness, however, when I miscarried. I saw my doctor shortly after this and was told that isolated early miscarriages are common. I thought to myself, “Okay, no biggie, my body is just warming up.” I became pregnant a few months later, and I was confident that this pregnancy would stick. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was shocked and devastated when I suffered my second miscarriage.
My doctor was proactive and began treatment, although most doctors won’t take action until after a woman has had three consecutive early miscarriages. She prescribed natural progesterone hormone, as low progesterone is suspected to be one of the leading causes of early multiple miscarriages. I conceived again, and soon after my positive pregnancy test my doctor had my HCG, (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin), levels tested. HCG is a hormone the embryo produces after conception. When the results came back my doctor said sadly, “I’m sorry, you lost this one.” I was grasping for any remote shred of hope to cling to, and I remember asking her if she was sure even though I knew it was over.
I had now entered the territory of secondary infertility which is diagnosed when a woman who has had one or more children is unable to conceive or carry a baby to term. My doctor had the challenge of figuring out the cause of my early, (or chemical), miscarriages, and I was told that there was no guarantee that I would be able to carry another baby to term naturally. I could now relate with the millions of women who receive this devastating news. I kept thinking, “How could this be happening to me?” I was awash with feelings of anger, loss, fear, and sadness. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, and as I saw other pregnant women around me I longed to become pregnant again.
After loads of testing, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, (APS.) APS is a disease which causes the veins in the placenta of a pregnant woman become filled with blood clots at the cellular level. These clots cut off the baby’s essential life giving blood flow and nutrients. My treatment was one baby aspirin per day and three daily self administered heparin injections.
Five months later I became pregnant, and this would be my last try, because if this pregnancy didn’t succeed I would need to take high risk medications. After an ultrasound at around six weeks it was official – we had a heartbeat! I made it through the first trimester with flying colors. But, at the end of the second trimester I started having serious problems with my heart, and another autoimmune disease flared up. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening to me. I desperately hoped and prayed that my baby would survive. Amazingly, I carried the pregnancy to term, and my miracle baby boy Justin was born on March 31, 2006! I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room that night; we were all so relieved that he had arrived into the world safe and healthy after the long, hard road.
The Fruit of My Labors
Through this journey I have learned an incredible amount about both the medical and emotional aspects of miscarriages. About 1 out of 4 women who become pregnant has a miscarriage at some point in her lifetime. Of all diagnosed pregnancies, between 15% and 20% end in a miscarriage in the first trimester or early in the second trimester. (1) The most common causes of repeated miscarriages include: endometriosis, genetic problems, structural problems involving the uterus or cervix, (such as an incompetent cervix), luteal phase defects, diabetes, and thyroid disease, (if it's not treated promptly), and immunological factors such as antiphospholipid syndrome. (2)
The emotional repercussions of having a miscarriage are far reaching, and many women feel isolated in their grief. When I was grieving my miscarriages it was difficult to find someone who could relate with my struggle. I joined an online support group, which helped me work through my grief and provided vital information about miscarriages. If you are grieving alone I encourage you to find support. There are local grief support groups, counseling services, and online communities that can help you through this time.
1.) Creinin MD, et al. (2001). Early pregnancy failure-Current management
concepts. Obstetrical and Gynecological Survey, 56(2): 105–113.
2.) http://www.webmd.com/
Multiple Miscarriages: One Mother’s Journey
By: April Alexander
My Story
When I reached my early thirties my biological clock began screaming at me, and I found myself longing to have another baby. I figured it might take a little longer to conceive due to my age, but little did I know that I was about to start a journey I never could have imagined.
After months of trying to conceive, my pregnancy test finally revealed two lines. I called my husband immediately, and both of us reveled in the joy of becoming parents again. A few days later my elation turned to sadness, however, when I miscarried. I saw my doctor shortly after this and was told that isolated early miscarriages are common. I thought to myself, “Okay, no biggie, my body is just warming up.” I became pregnant a few months later, and I was confident that this pregnancy would stick. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was shocked and devastated when I suffered my second miscarriage.
My doctor was proactive and began treatment, although most doctors won’t take action until after a woman has had three consecutive early miscarriages. She prescribed natural progesterone hormone, as low progesterone is suspected to be one of the leading causes of early multiple miscarriages. I conceived again, and soon after my positive pregnancy test my doctor had my HCG, (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin), levels tested. HCG is a hormone the embryo produces after conception. When the results came back my doctor said sadly, “I’m sorry, you lost this one.” I was grasping for any remote shred of hope to cling to, and I remember asking her if she was sure even though I knew it was over.
I had now entered the territory of secondary infertility which is diagnosed when a woman who has had one or more children is unable to conceive or carry a baby to term. My doctor had the challenge of figuring out the cause of my early, (or chemical), miscarriages, and I was told that there was no guarantee that I would be able to carry another baby to term naturally. I could now relate with the millions of women who receive this devastating news. I kept thinking, “How could this be happening to me?” I was awash with feelings of anger, loss, fear, and sadness. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, and as I saw other pregnant women around me I longed to become pregnant again.
After loads of testing, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder called Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, (APS.) APS is a disease which causes the veins in the placenta of a pregnant woman become filled with blood clots at the cellular level. These clots cut off the baby’s essential life giving blood flow and nutrients. My treatment was one baby aspirin per day and three daily self administered heparin injections.
Five months later I became pregnant, and this would be my last try, because if this pregnancy didn’t succeed I would need to take high risk medications. After an ultrasound at around six weeks it was official – we had a heartbeat! I made it through the first trimester with flying colors. But, at the end of the second trimester I started having serious problems with my heart, and another autoimmune disease flared up. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening to me. I desperately hoped and prayed that my baby would survive. Amazingly, I carried the pregnancy to term, and my miracle baby boy Justin was born on March 31, 2006! I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room that night; we were all so relieved that he had arrived into the world safe and healthy after the long, hard road.
The Fruit of My Labors
Through this journey I have learned an incredible amount about both the medical and emotional aspects of miscarriages. About 1 out of 4 women who become pregnant has a miscarriage at some point in her lifetime. Of all diagnosed pregnancies, between 15% and 20% end in a miscarriage in the first trimester or early in the second trimester. (1) The most common causes of repeated miscarriages include: endometriosis, genetic problems, structural problems involving the uterus or cervix, (such as an incompetent cervix), luteal phase defects, diabetes, and thyroid disease, (if it's not treated promptly), and immunological factors such as antiphospholipid syndrome. (2)
The emotional repercussions of having a miscarriage are far reaching, and many women feel isolated in their grief. When I was grieving my miscarriages it was difficult to find someone who could relate with my struggle. I joined an online support group, which helped me work through my grief and provided vital information about miscarriages. If you are grieving alone I encourage you to find support. There are local grief support groups, counseling services, and online communities that can help you through this time.
1.) Creinin MD, et al. (2001). Early pregnancy failure-Current management
concepts. Obstetrical and Gynecological Survey, 56(2): 105–113.
2.) http://www.webmd.com/
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